


you scratch my back...

by V_Vandal



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Post-Coital Cuddling, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 08:41:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4822565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_Vandal/pseuds/V_Vandal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl tries to love herself in the comfort of her room in spite of some self-image and gender identity issues. Human AU, trans girl gems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you scratch my back...

Scroll scroll scroll scroll click. Scroll scroll scroll scroll.. scroll.. scroll.

Pearl’s noisy mouse is beginning to get to her, her hand falling to the side of it, eyes flitting to the small clock tucked away on the taskbar, the cheap glow of the monitor only barely affecting her now. 3:41 AM. For a brief moment, she considers going to bed early, but that’s nonsense, she practically scoffs - she’s got a good few hours left in her, after all. There’s.. something to do. Some feeds to refresh, some articles to read, videos to watch, Skype friends to hold staggered and clumsy conversations with, things to learn. There was always something to busy yourself with - stave off dreaming for as long as possible.

Instead of reaching back for the mouse, Pearl leaned back in her chair slightly, arms coming down to fall in her lap, gaze falling down to look at herself and how her chest moves with each breath. For some reason, she focuses on this for a brief moment, slouched back in her computer chair. It’s relaxing, seeing her shirt rise and fall with each passing breath, for whatever reason. “We’ve come pretty far, huh..?” She mumbles absentmindedly to herself, hand smoothing out her shirt, palm gliding across her torso. It brings a little smile to her face, and she relaxes, the light of the monitor fading as it enters its screensaver. Pearl isn’t in any rush to straighten her posture and continue browsing the internet just yet.

She brings her arms in around herself, lanky and toned arms hugging herself tightly. It feels.. good to love herself, even if she’s not exactly sure what’s suddenly spurned this on. She holds the self-embrace for a good, long moment, eyes falling shut, and she can’t help but imagine those arms are someone else’s for a little while. Eventually, it’s too much for her to think about, and she groans, arms moving to rest on the armrests of her chair, eyes open once more. She straightens her back out against the chair, ready to reach for the mouse when she finds herself interrupted by the discovery of her length straining against her panties, exasperated sigh leaving her.

She chews on her bottom lip, hand taking a detour to adjust her underwear back into place, eyeing her bulge. “What a pain..” She mutters, coming to say that after saying a few much more disparaging comments in her mind. It really was, though.. Pearl huffed, rolling her eyes at herself before gently palming across the imprint of her cock. It felt good, but should it have? She shivered just slightly, a swarm of conflicting thoughts and feelings buzzing about in her mind as she continued to gently rub at herself. She came to a decision, however temporary.

Being trans sucked, but she was going to try and feel as good as she could regardless.

Swiveling in her chair to reach the small box of tissues underneath her desk, Pearl brought it up to rest on her desk for easy use later, chewing on her bottom lip some more as she began to peel back at her panties, her member springing free and swinging just slightly, standing right at attention. It looks full of life, pulsing away slowly.. hesitatingly, Pearl traces her long fingers across the base, sighing softly. Her touch feather light, Pearl lets her eyelids drop slightly as she wraps her fingers around her length, giving it a few soft and slow strokes..

Two quick, sharp knocks sound from against her door - “Hey, are you asleep?” - Pearl’s eyes widen, the slight tranquility she’d built being broken down near instantly as her hands grip at the armrests of her chair - frozen in terror, she doesn’t give a response, and nearly dies right then and there as the doorknob turns.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t die, and Lapis Lazuli walks through the doorway - her eyes similarly going wide as she stands there uncertain for just a moment, Pearl reaching for a pillow on her bed as she scrambles to cover herself. Pearl scolds herself mentally for not remembering that Lapis is just as much of a night owl as she is, the two of them nervously talking over each other.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d -” “It’s fine, it’s fine, I’m sorry you - ah..”

They seem to catch themselves, going silent as they look in the direction of each other, neither of them quite making eye contact. Lapis hangs her head low, and Pearl follows suit, holding the pillow over herself rather tightly.

Lapis runs her hand through her hair, exhaling before slowly beginning to back out of Pearl’s room. “You’re fine, Pearl. No worries.”

As nice of a message as it is, Pearl can’t find herself to stop worrying and feeling thoroughly embarassed, her head in her palms as she sighs heavily. Her relationship with Lapis - whatever that really was, anyway - was sure to be even.. stranger now, right? Awkward. It was all ridiculous, and Pearl was especially ridiculous, and though she wanted to just dive right into her bed and hide underneath her blankets, she stayed sitting in her chair, hugging her pillow against herself rather tightly as she tried to at least clear her mind first.

Even this peace was fleeting, with the door slowly opening yet again. Pearl turned to face the doorway, brow raised - she took the brief moment before Lapis was inside to reach down, tucking herself back into her panties and pulling them up, throwing the pillow back over to her bed before rising to her feet, arms wrapped around herself yet again, defensively. She kicked her foot against the floor, huffing slightly as she regarded Lapis, flush of red spreading across her cheeks. “What’s up?” She looked to Lapis curiously, brow raised as she shut the door behind her.

“I just.. I just had a question, is all.” Pearl noticed a.. bottle in Lapis’s hands, and couldn’t help but grow wary for whatever reason. Was she going to hold this little ‘incident’ over Pearl’s head - make a big joke about the whole deal? It wouldn’t be unlike her.

Pearl fixed her hair slightly before nodding, looking to Lapis. “What is it?”

“Were you seriously going to jack off dry?” Pearl gasps, going a bit redder in the face - even redder as Lapis’s expression remains the same; she doesn’t start laughing or anything like that. If anything, she smiles a little bit wider. “That’s bad for you, you know.”

“Lapis.” Pearl doesn’t seem to be nearly as comfortable with her body - or bodies in general - as Lapis is. Lapis notices.

“What?” She gestures to the bottle in her hands, holding it up. Lotion. “It’s fine to do it if you want, Pearl. You’re not a freak. I just.. thought you might need a hand, is all.” She steps in a bit closer, her words dripping in just the right kind of voice - the sort of voice that’s unsubtle enough for even Pearl to pick up on.

Pearl stiffens in numerous ways, remaining rooted to the ground as she looks down to Lapis. “You mean that literally, don’t you?” Her tone suggests that she’s accepting of this, if not confused, and Lapis is satisfied. Lapis reaches out to tug on Pearl’s arm just slightly, sitting the both of them down on the edge of Pearl’s bed.

“If you’d like. This wasn’t what I came for at the start, but - well.” Lapis sets the bottle of lotion besides them, scooting a bit closer to Pearl, resting her hand against her thigh and smiling when Pearl shivers slightly as a response. “It’s up to you. You want me to leave? It’s fine. You want me to .. help you out? That’s really fine.”

Pearl furrows her brow, looking at Lapis’s hand gently brushing across her thigh, running a hand through her own hair, glancing aside just to make sure that she’s still got a towel folded up by the foot of her bed - she does, and exhales softly before scooting closer to Lapis in return. “..Some help might be nice. I can’t say I understand you, Lapis, but I like it.. you. You can be almost sweet at times.”

Lapis rolls her eyes, shooting her a smirk. “You’d prefer if I made fun of you all the time?” She expects her to scoff or roll her eyes in kind, and is surprised to feel Pearl’s arms around her, hugging her exceptionally tightly, returning the hug herself after a brief moment.

“No.. no, I wouldn’t.” Those words and the sheer sadness behind them throw Lapis off for a moment, and she gives Pearl a squeeze, holding their embrace until Pearl feels comfortable enough to let go. “Sorry.” Pearl mutters as she backs up against the wall, slouched against it - Lapis joins her soon after.

“It’s all good.” The way Lapis smiles at her and strokes her cheek as she gets closer makes Pearl believe it, and she smiles. Pearl’s eyes flit down, noticing the outline of Lapis’s length in her boyshorts, glad she was at least in good company in those regards. Lapis notices her glancing, and chuckles.

“It’s a real hassle, isn’t it?” Lapis doesn’t wait for an answer, pecking Pearl on the cheek before tugging her shirt up, gesturing for Pearl to lift her arms up so Lapis can slip it off of her. There’s only the slightest moment of hesitation before Pearl allows Lapis to do so, and somehow Pearl finds herself right back to being sheepish again, mostly nude. As if to level the playing field, Lapis tossed Pearl’s shirt aside before doing much the same with her own, wiggling out of it in a huff, her shorts being the next thing to go.

Pearl noticed that Lapis was beginning to look away from Pearl and chew her lip - show signs that she wasn’t completely sure of herself like Pearl thought she was, and somehow this helped. Lapis sat back right next to Pearl, slinging an arm across her shoulders with a slight smile, giving her soft, trailing kisses that made her head spin almost as much as the hand petting her core - fingers already hooked in the waistband, ready to tug them down.

“You’re cute,” Lapis hisses in Pearl’s ear as she tugs her panties down, index finger ghosting across her length.

Pearl actually believed her, one hand grasping for the bottle of lotion as the other made for teasing at Lapis’s cock in return, tilting her head slightly to give her a kiss of her own, lips warm across her cheek. “You too.”

-

Still panting slightly, Lapis the towel across the both of them one more time, feeling like she’d cleaned up well enough. She began to get up, reaching out with her free hand to ruffle Pearl’s hair, causing her to frown slightly and huff, peering off in the other direction. Lapis took it as Pearl just.. being Pearl, and rose to her feet in front of the bed - surprised to find Pearl suddenly grasping at her hand. Lapis let go of the towel, looking back to Pearl with knitted brows as Pearl tried to make sense of her feelings and what she wanted to say, looking more sheepish than she’d ever looked.

“I know I’m.. I’m a little sweaty and gross right now, but - but would you stay with me tonight? .. Talk with me for a little. Sleep with me.. I’d just - I’d just really like that.” Pearl’s grip on her hand tightened before ultimately releasing entirely, and she looked up to Lapis with a shaky, uncertain and nervous glance. “It’s fine if you don’t, I get it and,”

Lapis shook her head, climbing back onto the bed and laying down on her side in front of Pearl, smiling towards her softly. “I’m sweaty and gross, too. It’s fine.” Somehow that was the most refreshing thing to hear from Lapis, and Pearl eased in next to her, bringing the blanket up and over them as she nestled in close, her arms hooked around Lapis’s waist.

“I don’t think you’re gross.”

Lapis giggled, her arms going to hook around Pearl’s neck. “Well, I am. It’s sweet of you to say so, though. It’s alright to be a little gross here and there.”

Pearl raised a brow, before pressing herself against Lapis a bit more, head resting on her shoulder. She inhaled and exhaled sharply, seemingly taking in her scent. Lapis didn’t seem to mind, her eyelids falling slightly.

Pearl’s voice came out a little while later, soft and unsure as she traced little circles in Lapis’s back. “What do you call your.. your genitals?” Lapis’s face hardened slightly, taking a moment to wonder exactly why she was asking this.

“I.. I mean, I think girlcock is cute. I usually just say, ah.. you know. Dick and stuff.”

Pearl sighs, not really sure what sort of answer there would have made her feel good - if anything. “I feel like.. I feel strange talking about it. I don’t hate it - I, I like it in ways and I don’t think the alternative is for me, but I just.. can’t help but feel like I’m wrong for not.. hating it all the time. My penis, I mean, of course..”

Lapis frowns, patting Pearl on the back softly before letting her continue.

“It’s just - all that rhetoric out there.. the things we’re supposed to think, thanks to elements of society.. sometimes you can’t help but believe some of it’s true, you know? It gets.. it gets to me and my mind sometimes. Like I’m not really a real woman - or that I’ll ever be one.. and it just - rrgh, you know.. I hate it. I feel like I’m a big.. pretender, and everyone is just barely putting up with me. I, ah - I don’t really know where I’m getting at with all this, Lapis, I’m sorry, I just wish it were simpler - or I had a better grasp on these things..”

Lapis laid there, holding onto Pearl especially tight, shaking her head slightly as she brought one hand up to run through her hair, gently massaging her scalp. “Don’t be sorry, Pearl, I.. I wish the same thing too, you know. We don’t exactly live the most glamorous lives. There’s a lot I don’t know.. but there’s plenty I do know, too.” She exhaled sharply, shifting slightly underneath the blanket, so as to better lean into Pearl.

“You’re a beautiful woman, and so am I. Even on your worst days, you’re a beautiful woman.. never a pretender. And I’ll try and be there for you, Pearl. I might not.. be the best, but you can talk to me. We’re in this together, right?” She leaned back, warm smile and just the slightest bit of tears swelling in her eyes as she looked to Pearl, who was sobbing with a wide smile herself. “R-right.” She sniffled as Lapis brushed her tears away, repeating the words once again before pressing her lips against hers.

“We’re in this together.”

**Author's Note:**

> so this was a little personal, oops! goodness gracious. you'll see a part two eventually, thus the name. criticism is appreciated, hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading!
> 
> luv these two depressed, self destructive jerks
> 
> you can reach me at vicarious--vagabond.tumblr.com and ahegaopearl.tumblr.com (that's the nsfw blog, oops)


End file.
